Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm at about main and main street
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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