Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
