The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
