He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
