just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
