i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
