she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
