i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
