dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so let's talk penis.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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