There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
