how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
