if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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