i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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