moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
