Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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