I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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