I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
