You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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