I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
