Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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