yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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