You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
