billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
