if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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