Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
