I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
