My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
