yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
