A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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