I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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