You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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