I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
me + whiskey = a bad person
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
