im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
