Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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