i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
