Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
