chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
