"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
