I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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