someone threw a dead crab at me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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