The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
