So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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