I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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