I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
