did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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