When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
