my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
