It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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