my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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