Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
