thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
