dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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