dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
