I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
