so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
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