My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
