so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
