If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
