i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
