I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
